Oh the Agony!

Sam Johnson
Latest posts by Sam Johnson (see all)

Vada Agony Aunt Sam Johnson dishes out some HARD LOVE. This week: Mohican Girlfriend, Slim Gym and Networked Exes.


I started the gym yesterday and everyone is double the size of me. I feel like a skinny runt. Any gym tips to fit in more?

Gym tips? I’m drinking a glass of Prosecco whilst waiting for the Thai food I ordered to come; does that answer your question?


My girl got a mohican without telling me. It looks good, but we were meant to be meeting my parents together next weekend and they’re pretty conservative. They’d just come round to me liking girls and now my girl has a pink mohican! Should I tell her to cover up?

Ah. Lesbians. I see.

Considering that your parents are obviously conservative because you’ve punctuated your question fairly well (Although I’m not entirely sure if mohican needs to be capitalised and I’m not sure if I approve of referring to your partner as your ‘girl’), the least they will be expecting is a mohawk. They’ll just be relieved that she doesn’t have tattoos on her face.

I’d probably advise you to do exactly what you’re thinking and suggestively buy her a pleasant hat.


I had a messy break up from a longterm relationship a few months ago. I’m just starting to get my shit together and look out there for someone else, but it seems everyone on the scene is linked to either the ex or his new guy. It’s like everyone I meet is their friend and I’m just not ready for them to be in my life. Is the life of a spinster all that bad?

Why do gay males believe that to be fulfilled they need to have a boyfriend at all times? Are we forgetting the lessons that Sex and the City taught us already?

The gay community is incredibly incestuous; always has been, always will be. When there are limited options out there, everybody takes what they can get and it results in messy social situations like the one that you’re scared of.

You’re going to have to get over your fear of seeing your ex happy with somebody else if you want to jump back into the cesspool that is the homosexual dating arena or get used to spending all of your money and time on shoes and drinking cocktails at 10am.


About Sam Johnson

Sam - interested in all things brash, tasteless and gold. Doesn't beat around the bush. Doesn't take prisoners. Here to save the world, one gay at a time.