Oh The Agony!

Sam Johnson
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Vada’s Agony Aunt Sam Johnson dishes out tough love to this week’s hurting hearts: Antisocial Traveller, Johnny-Be-Good & Pissed Off Dyke.


My friend wants to go travelling with me this summer. I love the bitch but I just know we’re going to drive each other crazy if we have to spend a month entirely together. How do I tell her no? She’s got her heart set on going around Europe.

What is it with you people? Do you all hate your friends? Can’t you just talk to her?

Tell your ‘bitch’ that you think you’re going to struggle not to physically harm each other and see what she thinks. If you’re certain that it’ll end terribly, why not go away for a week together and see how you get on? When she sees first hand what a shit time you have, she’ll soon go off the idea.

On the other hand, perhaps you should just go. Throw caution to the wind. Spend a few months fighting your way across Europe, calling each other awful names in beautiful foreign places, storming out of wretch-inducing hostels and having the time of your life. Ha.


I’m with a new guy who’s pretty inexperienced and paranoid about sex health and stuff. He insists on using flavoured condoms for oral, but that’s such a turn off! I don’t want to scare him or make him think I’m a slag. Just want a taste haha

Good. AIDS wasn’t cool in the 80s and, unlike double denim, still hasn’t come into style.

Your choices are as follows: wear a condom and get a blowjob, don’t wear a condom and don’t get a blowjob or go get tested and have the blowjob you’d prefer.


My brother keeps calling me a dyke. In a joke way but it pisses me off. His friends have started too now. Can’t stand it.

Not actually a question.

Do you call yourself a dyke? If you do, he could be being supportive in a stupid, boyish kinda way.

I bound around homophobic nicknames, I expect to be called them back. It’s all in jest. The only part of this hilarious practice that really fucks you is when somebody you don’t want to be a part of the game calls you something that you take genuine offence to. You can’t say anything or else you’re a hypocritical dick.

I’d say the only way to make yourself feel better and get them to stop calling you names that are solely reserved for you to refer to yourself as is to call them something awful. Something that’d make everybody in the vicinity stop and gasp at the truly disgusting, terrible, awful thing you said. I wouldn’t normally advocate name-calling and have no suggestions as to what you do say back but there is something about the ‘C’ word, when uttered by a female, that induces shock and horror.

They’ll stop.

About Sam Johnson

Sam - interested in all things brash, tasteless and gold. Doesn't beat around the bush. Doesn't take prisoners. Here to save the world, one gay at a time.