Oh The Agony: Beach Bodies, Teacher Crushes and Crabs

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Vada’s Agony Aunt Bronni Hughes dishes out this week’s agony ointment: Chunky beach bodies, Sleeping with the teacher & Crabs, crabs everywhere.

 

I’ve got a holiday to Mykonos with the gays lined up in a few weeks. They’re all scrawny twinks and I’m a big bear. Truth be told I’m pretty overweight. Last year a stranger made a beached whale comment. I died inside. I’ve been trying to lose weight but it’s not working that quickly and time’s ticking! Should I cover up? Be out and proud? I don’t want the gays to judge my body!

You have a few weeks, you’re not going to do a Josie Gibson style flab to fab transformation without putting your life at risk, so I say embrace it. The whole point of going on holiday is that nobody knows who you are so you can do whatever you like with zero repercussions- that’s why Magaluf is so full of plain girls who usually work at Argos stripping on stage for a €5 fish bowl. Plus your tiny twink friends already know what you look like, so they don’t matter.

The fact is that there are catty judgey people everywhere, even if you were thin I’m sure some wanker would have something to say about you. To paraphrase Gok Wan, confidence is the most important factor to looking good in your bathers- so screw covering up and try to be comfortable in your own skin. Also remember wear sun cream because it’s never about melanoma- have fun!

 

I left college a couple of years ago. Found my old teacher on Grindr recently and we’ve started chatting. He’s really great but I feel a bit wrong and I don’t know why… We’ve had a few dates and it’s gone well. I just really don’t want to tell my friends about him. Is it worth it? I feel such a mix of good and dodgy. Is it doomed?

It’s not doomed necessarily, but it’s a bit naughty you little minx! In relation to the law it’s 100% legit to bone a teacher if you’re over 18, whether he’s currently teaching you or not- and you’re two years clear of that, so his job’s not in jeopardy in any way. BUT you just want to know how your friends will react. Now, obviously I’m not Mystic Meg so I’m not going to be able to read your tea leaves and tell you, but as you’re both adults I hope your friends will respect your decision, and just hum ‘It’s what I go to school for’ by Busted veeeery quietly when you do the awkward – here’s my new boyfriend – friend meet up.

Even if the relationship doesn’t last, I doubt it would have a lasting impact on your friendship group. I’ve seen considerably more suspect sexual pairings be accepted with open arms.

 

My head’s all over the place. I’ve been with the bf for a couple of years and not cheated. I’ve just realised that I’ve now got crabs… Thank god for this being anonymous! I could only have got them from my bf. I’m building myself up to confront him about it. I’m scared. Can you get crabs in any other way than shagging?

Are you expecting me to believe that there’s a gay out there who wasn’t obsessed with Sugar Rush? Okay maybe it was a phenomenon limited to all my closeted lesbian hunniez- but whatever, in the programme the main character catches crabs from sharing a bed with her straight crush, and then goes on to spread them to her entire family through borrowing each other’s clothes. So no, in the world of coming-of-age lesbian dramas it’s entirely possible to catch crabs from non-sexual proximity in a cruel ironic twist. But in real life, you be the judge.  You’re going to have to tell him anyway (how else are you going to explain the weird ointment you’re applying to your junk) and hope that he is as confused about the origin of the parasites in your pants as you are. If he looks guilty then you know there’s something amiss and just be thankful he didn’t leave you with anything more permanent.

 

If you’d like to submit your own 100% anonymous questions to Bronni send an email to: agony@vadamagazine.com