Oh The Agony!

Sam Johnson
Latest posts by Sam Johnson (see all)

Vada Agony Aunt Sam Johnson dishes out this week’s dose of hard love: Slap Head, “Let’s Just Be Friends” & No Marriage Girl.  


My hair’s getting really thin on top. I cannot deal with this! Would you make the most of what you have or shave it all off? I think I’ll look pretty shit with a slaphead.

Pictures would help me. In the interest of anonymity, please don’t send them. Unless you’re a young Bruce Willis lookalike. See? Sexy bald man right there. Send noodz.

Moving on. Buy a swimming cap and try the look out around the house. I can’t think of many things that are less attractive than a man trying to hide the fact that he’s thinning on top with a terribly ill-positioned, combed over strand of hair.

Losing your hair all at once will be a big shock. You have to rock that shit. Be all about fantastic sunglasses, the occasional hat, lovely eyebrows, great teeth.

Don’t panic.


I’ve been on a few dates recently and we always get on really well before the end of the night and they inevitably go down the “I just want friends” right now conversation. I’m not hideous. I think I’m just too friendly. How can I get guys to see me as more than just a friend/shag?

How can somebody be too friendly on a first date? Don’t be ridiculous.

First off, you can get guys to start thinking of you as more than just a shag by not shagging them on the first date. Yes? Just a thought.

I haven’t got the space, time, motivation or relevant skills to coach you on dating through this column but I think that’s what you need. It’s not about being too friendly, that’s bullshit your female friends have told you so that you don’t think you’re a terrible dater.

Practice makes perfect.


My girlfriend keeps dropping hints about getting married. It’s the last thing I want to do. I love her crazy, but I’ve never seen the point in getting married and have no money right now so it just doesn’t seem worth the bother. I love her, she loves me, why do we need a piece of paper to make that mean something more? I don’t get it. She’s got her heart set on it though and I’m pretty scared she’s going to propose and I’ll say yes without really wanting to, just to make her happy. I love her so much, just don’t see myself getting married. What should I do?


I don’t get it either. If it’s only a piece of paper, why not let her have it? It doesn’t cost money for your people, does it? Two plaid shirts and a registry office. Maybe a cake?

Is there an underlying reason why you don’t want to marry her? Fear of commitment? There’s bound to be something. Your argument against doesn’t sound well thought out.

If you don’t want to do it, don’t. You don’t have to tell her the real reason is that you hate her so much you can’t bear to be tied to her, just pretend that you’re one of those “I can’t marry you until it’s marriage, rather than a civil partnership” kinda gays.

Happy wedding.

About Sam Johnson

Sam - interested in all things brash, tasteless and gold. Doesn't beat around the bush. Doesn't take prisoners. Here to save the world, one gay at a time.