The Witcher III: Wild Hunt – Game Review

Move yo asses out of the way! New sexy video game icon coming through!

Even before I took the game out of the cellophane I was feeling conflicted and horny about the handsome, angry looking man staring up at me from the cover of The Witcher III: Wild Hunt, with his broody eyes and oddly enthralling facial scars. I was sold and I didn’t even know it. He is fioooooone!

I’m not convinced that the developers’ intentions weren’t to make manly men who love blood and gore question their own gender affinities when the prologue is literally Geralt standing up in his bathtub, dripping and shining, and showing off his rocking bod and rugged white ponytail and beard combo. I am even more sold!

Who’d have thunk slaying monsters and ghouls would give someone such rocking abs? Somebody get me a mop because my basement is flooding!

There’s also a hot witch lady, called Yennefer, who I find oddly provocative. She makes me very confused about whether liking dudes is my real path in life. She’s everything teenage gay men wish they were: sassy, able to summon scorpions that climb into bathtubs, and unwilling to take yo man’s bullshit. She is awesome.

If you’re like me and you like fantasy and fighting classic mythological beasts, you’ll enjoy this game. The first story quest is to kill a gryphon that has been picking off travellers and shredding their horses for its dinner.

It’s wonderful and brilliant and great fun to kill monsters with finishing moves that come out of nowhere that include but aren’t limited to decapitation and slicing entire bodies in half, and I’m only about 6 hours into the game which has over 300 hours of gameplay! I can feel it swallowing my life already.

It’s like Skyrim all over again, but you can ride a horse around like in Twilight Princess! That’s all good and well until you accidentally ride into a group of wild dogs and it bucks you off and legs it! THANKS FOR NOTHING, STUPID HORSE!!

It also has a tool called ‘witcher sense’ that is very much like Batman’s investigative mode in the Arkham series. It lets you step into a heightened world where you can pick up important evidence like footsteps leading away from a body, or hints about the sort of monster you’ve been contracted to hunt, or information about which village drunk burnt down the blacksmith’s forge for being forced to make weapons for the invading army.

I feel like I’m in CSI, but I have a sword and I’m completely allowed to murder someone if they get all up in my grill just because of the profession I was born into.

Honestly, it’s a great game and I highly recommend it if you love massive open world RPGs. It’s something you can really get your teeth into, proven by this 500 word review that’s taken me two days to write because I’ve been too obsessed to peel myself away.