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It’s a cold morning and I woke up on the back of a horse drawn buggy in the snow with no memory of what happened the night before… no, I’m not talking about the last Vada staff party, it’s the beginning of Skyrim, a name that makes me laugh every time I say it. We carried on down the road and me and my fellow prisoners, who appear to be your basic undesirables and some famous guy who was clearly much too important for me because he wouldn’t talk or make eye contact.
Upon arrival at some fortified mini city I got to choose my appearance and quickly decided that I was a dark elf. If I’m playing a fantasy game then there is no way in hell I’m playing as some boring human. Not long after, I got my first dose of hostility and racism from my fellow prisoners, but my horror soon turned to amusement as they began getting their heads chopped off. Score 1 for Miki. Soon after, the scene descended into chaos as a dragon appeared and burnt the city down to the crazed screams of “what is that?”. What is that? It’s a fucking dragon you morons, I mean come on, the flag of Skyrim is a dragon? I mean seriously, it’s quite clearly a dragon.
I had to make my first choice here: go with the racists that hate me or go back to the people trying to chop my head off. I left with the racists who told me where to go, preferably back to Morrowind where I came from. And soon I was being told that I was the dragon born, here for some reason or another, probably to slay dragons I imagine. So with a spring in my step and a bow and arrows that I’d robbed from some nearby douche who was rude to me, I went for a stroll and quickly got killed by a bear, hmmmmm.
The game has a tendency of doing this. It’s a victim of its own epic scale and lack of cohesion around what you should be doing. Early on I was killed by a Bear, a Sabre-tooth tiger of some kind, several wandering groups of people and a Giant that I just wanted to say hello to. Everything looked so amazing and epic that I just wanted to be part of the world like some obnoxious love child. In return I was burned.
As a result I felt I had no other choice than to watch the world burn with me, which actually turned out nicely when I joined a few groups of murderers here and there and was always willing to rent out my skills with a bow or an exploding flame spell. Unfortunately what had begun as a challenge soon became a bore. You level up fast, and I really do mean fast, and soon all challenge is taken from the game. I was sitting on a hoard of weapons, scrolls and crap that I’d plundered from every house across the land. Even the dragons had become less of a challenge and more of a mild annoyance that descended from the skies from time to time.
Soon after the challenge left the game so did my interest. Every dungeon looks exactly the same and although there are some larger special ones, after a while they all begin to feel copy and pasted with a different lighting scheme. I quite literally lost the plot with side-quest upon side-quest and in no time at all I had forgotten that dragons were a major problem that I was somehow meant to be dealing with. Even the mention of dragons annoyed me, it felt as though I’d killed hundreds of the fuckers but still people moaned. Nothing that I did seemed to be having any effect or heading to any kind of a finale, the list of things I had to do only ever increased and eventually I just turned it off and never came back.
That’s basically it. One day I turned the game off and just never came back to it. The thought of entering another dungeon that looked like every other one or looking through the myriad of crap that I had left in my drawers whilst looking for the one thing I need, just left me feeling exhausted. And so I never came back to it, I never found out why the dragons were back and I never figured out why I should give a shit about all those racists and their fight for freedom.
Skyrim is a good game but after hundreds of hours of playing and being no closer to completing the game or even visiting everywhere on the map I just could no longer be bothered. Apathy is bliss and I have never once sat and wondered what was going to happen, I didn’t even care enough to look it up on wikipedia.
That’s it, the end, goodbye.
