What gay porn can’t teach you about being gay

Daniel Wren

Daniel Wren

Vada Magazine staff writer. Interested in travel, news, politics and dating.
Daniel Wren

Latest posts by Daniel Wren (see all)

Featured image: Sonny Ravesteijn on Unsplash

I’m not gonna lie: porn is a part of our community. There is absolutely no denying that. For many gay people, watching porn was their first ‘exposure’ to the hows and wheres of being queer – often in secret while still grappling with their newly discovered sexuality.

Moreover, plenty of my friends have either made or starred in porn – it’s not really a secret on the thronging streets of Manchester’s Gay Village that some people are better known for their audiovisual output than they are for their hairstyle or their fashion sense.

In many ways, being a sexual minority has emboldened us to speak more openly about sex as a community. What’s taboo elsewhere isn’t taboo among many of us. Sex and fetish shops are proud parts of our community, and the men who wear rubber or leather wave their flags happily as part of our diverse Pride Parade.

And yet, while gay porn is often all around us, it doesn’t always reflect reality. A healthy sex life hinges on knowing the differences between the porn fantasy and the sex reality. As such, there’s a lot that porn can’t teach you about being gay or having gay sex. And I mean lots.

Sex is messy
It really is. Unless you have sex through a sheet (and even then!), there’s going to be a mess. Excepting cum shots, porn never shows you this. Porn never shows you lying in the wet patch. Porn just makes sex seem like ‘clean fun’.

However, there can be odd smells, weird stains and occasionally post-sex itching that alerts you to a problem. If you’re engaging in anal, then there are obviously risks of making a particular kind of mess – regardless of whether a person has douched or not. As I always used to say, ‘Shit happens!’

Even the best gay porn sites fail to get across the true messy reality of sex.

Sex is quick
Porn makes it seem like it is some amazingly long experience. They make it seem like you are going to be at it like rabbits for hours. That is rarely the case. The average amount of time to last during sex is just 8 minutes.

If you get each other off, then that’s 16 minutes, tops.

Porn would have you believe that you’re going to be doing each other for 30 minutes apiece.

Producers will often splice together hours of footage (where people get and lose their erections) to make it seem like one long fuck. All the stopping and starting gets left on the cutting room floor. The joys of crafty edits, eh?

People aren’t porn stars
Most porn stars will tell you they’re playing a role. That’s why they use fake names. In other words, even if you’re lucky enough to hook up with somebody who films for one of the many pay-per-view or free adult dating sites, you can’t expect them to be the same as their on-screen counterparts. You also can’t expect an epic night of sex.

It’s going to be a few minutes coupled with a lot of talking, and maybe some cuddling afterwards if you’re into that kid of thing. Which neatly leads me onto my next point…

It can’t teach you to love
This is a problem that I’ve heard some gay men claim they have faced in the past.

When they watch gay porn, they start to see people as ‘objects’ as opposed to somebody that they can love. Actually, this is an issue for straight people, too.

Sex is a pleasurable experience; there’s no denying that. However, sex is even better when it is between people that love each other.

One of the ‘dangers’ of watching too much porn is that you become addicted to the physical side of things and find it tougher to make connections. Another danger is that people begin to find it harder to get off on the same videos, so they look for more and more striking porn to get their rocks off. If you feel yourself searching for different and stranger porn on a regular basis, it may be time to switch off.

Photo by Joshua Stitt on Unsplash

Sure, watching gay porn can be enjoyable (and even sexier if you’re watching it with someone else), but it’s important to remember to form actual relationships in our lives. I’m not talking about just sexting online or having a dozen fuck-buddies here. It’s important to get out and date people.

As someone who’s done their fair share of shagging around, it can impact on your connections with other people. Sometimes you need to stop and ask yourself if you really want all the mindless fucking (which is okay if you do) or if you’re now ready for something new.

If you want something new, you need to commit to that new thing, or else you’ll just slide back into old habits. And, if that means proper relationships, that means giving real people in real situations a chance. That means funding fun outside of sex. Sometimes, it seems trite to say it, but we need to remember to love.

The right way to do things
Porn shows you what it thinks is going to give the ‘best shot’. It’s not going to show you how to give your partner pleasure.

You may be watching a blowjob on camera, but you’ll notice that half the time it’s not a ‘proper’ blowjob as they are trying to stop their partner finishing too quickly on camera. Ignore this.

When you are with your partner, don’t focus on what you’ve seen in porn videos (you can use some tips, but don’t rely on them). Instead, focus on what your partner asks for. You will get to know them quite intimately, and you will very quickly discover that we all have our own likes and dislikes when we are in bed.

Just because somebody looks like they are enjoying something in porn does not necessarily mean it’s a good thing to actually do.

More information

If you’d like more information about sex, relationships and porn, see the links below.

Sexual Advice Association

Helpline: 0207 486 7262 / sexualadviceassociationco.uk

Sex Addiction Help

sexaddictionhelp.co.uk

Sex Addicts Anonymous

saa-recovery.org.uk

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

slaauk.org

The Mix

Helpline: 0808 808 4994 / themix.org.uk / sex addiction page

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