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Have you ever found yourself throwing on some sensible shoes or maybe a ‘comfy’ pummel fleece? If the answer is yes, then I would suggest you sit in a corner and take stock of your life. The fashion world is of course a greatly opinionated and diverse industry where self-expression is rife, however popping on a pair of crocs is more worthy of an arrest warrant than a fashion statement. Follow me, my fashion disciples, as I talk you through the only commandments you need to know: ‘THAT’S ALL…’
Thou shall not shoe horn one selves into skinny jeans:
We’ve all seen them, those guy and gals walking around wearing jeans meant for an 8 year old, patently ignoring the fact they have lost circulation in their upper legs. Skinny jeans are the perfect accompaniment to most outfits and my ‘go to’ bottoms of choice. With this is mind please do ensure you select the correct size and fit, to flatter your shape. There’s nothing cute or sassy about writhing around on the floor, trying to prize that zipper up, all because you want to drop a dress size. They’re skinny jeans not miracle makers, please purchase the correct size.
Thou shall not wear kitten heels:
The only shoe on this earth that can enrage me in a matter of seconds is a kitten heel, they’re so offensive they should come with a fine if worn out in public. The whole ideal of wearing heels is to elongate and add an air of sophistication. This is seemingly impossible when it appears you are pacing around on a heel no bigger than a lego brick. Some may argue that they’re too tall to wear bigger heels on a night out, my solution is find taller friends or date the BFG. Problem solved!
Thou shall not wear pointless slogan tees:
If I had a pound for every ‘Geek’ t-shirt to have burnt my retinas over the year, I would never need to work again. I could happily retire in a villa full of dream boys. I struggle to understand the need to wear a top with such a pointless message, you may as well change the text to ‘sheep’. Sitting alongside this, if you’re going to go around wearing a ‘Rolling Stones’ tee, to look ‘edgy’ you might actually want to google who they are first.
Thou shall not wear Kanye shades:
You know the ones I mean, the fluorescent monstrosities with the ‘hip and swaggy’ lenses. Nothing screams ‘wannabe baller’ than a pair of these shades. Go the whole nine yards and buy an oversize tee, some leather trousers and give Vogue a call, you fashionista. But let’s gets serious, the best place for these is in a melting pot to create things we need in life, like biros and credit cards. If you have a pair lay them to rest. #leaveitin2008
Thou shall not be walking palette of beige:
A gorgeous muted tone is that of beige, but there are a select few that take it to the extreme. I’m all for outfit co-ordination, but you really don’t have to take it in the literal sense of the word. Top to toe beige will scream ‘geography teacher’ quicker than you can slip on some nude ballet pumps. If I look back long enough I remember a distinct individual who would only wear beige and try to sass it up with a splash on white and for those dangerous days, a leopard print scarf. This is not styling, this is laziness, so up your game and abandon the cream ship.
I hope all of the above has given you some food for thought and if not you’re probably sat there in top to toe beige, wearing your coveted kitten heels and tipping your Kanye shades, from the brim of your nose. Of course these are my own pet hates, but I cannot and will not believe that anyone out there truly believes they’re acceptable. Get those credit cards out and hit the shops with my wondrous commandments in mind. Fly my pretties flyyyyyyy!