- Sacked from a private Christian school – for being gay - 16 July, 2014
- The “Gay” Appearance – Does it Matter? - 15 October, 2013
- Grindr – Everything That is Wrong in the Gay World? - 1 October, 2013
With relationships or potential relationships, things either go the way we want it to go, or go drastically wrong. We then start to ask ourselves, “What did I do wrong?”, “Am I unattractive?” etc. These questions and nagging self-doubt always seems to plague our minds, so here is a little something of what could potentially end your chances of pursuing that man of your dreams you want so badly. Don’t fuck it up.
Meeting the Guy:
1. Always be classy: Yes get drunk, have fun; but do not get too drunk. You do not want to be that guy that strangers give nicknames to. Slut, loose, two-pints Trevor – I am sure you catch my drift. As soon as you see someone that gives you the eye roll, or the sympathy look, lift yourself off the dance floor and down a litre of water and get your game face on. Nobody, and I mean nobody likes a mess, no matter how hot you are. There is always something disconcerting about seeing someone who cannot handle themselves.
2. Do not lie about yourself: This includes your dating profiles, whether it is on Grindr, Gaydar or any of the other dating/hook-up apps. When you start saying you are versatile on your dating app and the guy then finds out you are a raging power bottom, DEAL BREAKER. Your relationship is already set up for disaster. Same thing applies to your height, size of your penis, and weight. Imagine lying in bed, getting yourself ready to have sex with the man of your dreams, only for him to find out that your penis might be the size of a small candy cane. Nothing wrong with that, just don’t promise him a giant cucumber. Whatever the reasoning behind it, it’s sneaky, shows a lack of confidence and will only lead to more questions of why you lied. Be honest if you want things to work out.
3. Go fishing(not literally): You do not want to be the hypothetical trawler, messaging every single guy you possibly know, or asking to meet with everyone on every single app. Be selective with the guys you see fit to have in your life. Think tuna. Remember, there is that ethical line caught tuna, which are a lot better than the industrially trawled tuna. However, I must digress, never compare a guy to fish, they tend not to like that. Being selective is the only way to help yourself weed out those guys who probably either want to use you for comfort or sex.
Dating the Guy:
4. Always be ultra-aware of inappropriate toothpaste stains: Picture this. Turn up to your first date feeling all suave, looking swish, but his attention isn’t on your preened face, it’s on the faded white stain by your crotch. Even worse somewhere on your jumper. The boy’s a shooter. Unfortunately we are guys, and the gay stereotype in its entirety can also be applied here, where we are seen as the potentially slutty kind. If you see a stain, yes accidents happen, but just change into something else – it prevents your date from questioning your care, class and intentions.
5. Be yourself: Do not overdo it, and show off with expensive dates. Do not buy gifts for the sake of buying gifts, you cannot buy love. Just be yourself rather than some Cotton On, or Topman love rat. Impress him, talk with him, communicate with him, show a degree of confidence, but be humble. Work that humbleness. There is nothing worse than an unjustifiably pretentious boy, especially when showing off. It’s not attractive. Just keep this in mind, no guy will sleep with you if you look uncomfortable, overdone or like you were dressed in lost property. Pitch it right, straight down the middle. Not too cheap, not too showy and expensive, just right.
6. Do not talk about your exes: Grow some balls and get over the past. No guy is the same, we’re all individuals. You should look to the future, as life at our age should not be about regret – rather it should be one of new shared experiences that help you grow as a person. Regret in its entirety breeds a lack of confidence, which makes you unattractive to many. This lack of confidence breeds that awkward atmosphere, which just leads to him friend-zoning you. Be fierce, be confident, get over t and keep on rolling – you will see how much this attitude will benefit you.
Going Steady With Your Man:
7. Being With Him For Comfort: These normally can range from favours, living with him in his apartment and money related issues. Although there is no problem moving in with your boyfriend or sharing money, there is a fine line between sharing and taking more than he is willing to give. Do not get in a relationship because you need stability and he is your safety net. Learn to work on your own, earn your own way and have your own things. Stick with him because you love him, not because he can give you something of luxury.
8. Delete contacts/moderating your phonebook: Nicknaming a guy “Bottom Bill”, on your phone may be all well and good when you are single, but a major DEAL BREAKER to your relationship can occur when “Bottom Bill” gives you a random midnight booty call months later, telling you that it is fine that your man joins and makes a lovely train ride for the night. The booty call in its entirety can both lead to an awkward conversation. “So why is he called Bottom?” Also, this can lead to conflict, where at the spur of the moment your guy may feel that he cannot trust you and leads to a messy breakup. God forbid Bottom Bill is the serial iphone, unsolicited, snapchat flasher. When going steady, clear up all these raucous contacts as a sign of loyalty. Danny Grindr is equally not acceptable.
9. Meeting The Parents: Choose the right time to meet his parents, and vice versa. My general rule when it comes to dating is that I would not like to meet, or even see the parents within the first few hours after sex, as I will have the image of him balls deep in me, and that alone can lead to an awkward conversation. See awkward toothpaste stains, but y’know, not toothpaste. These conversations alone are the make or break of any relationship. Remember, when meeting them always be yourself, do not force a false personality or illusion of yourself. Just smile, stay relaxed and they will warm up to you. Grandparents, too, can be a make or break of a relationship, as older people normally have a lack of tact and could blurt out “So who is the lady of the relationship.” This could prove to be an awkward birthday, or Christmas dinner conversation.
10. Giving Each Other Space: Try not to smother him. Be your own person. Grow together in your own way that allows for a degree of independence. Living separate lives is fine until you grow apart and a year later he is looking to move to New York or Paris. Cue drawn out long distance relationship, awkward conversations and the breakup. A perfect relationship is a venn diagram, where both of your social circles converge in the middle. Socialise together, be together, but be as free as you can so that you or he may be free to go out on a bender one night without having to stay awake waiting up for him. Trust and balance is key to any successful relationship.
Marrying Your Man:
11. Marriage: Do not get married too young. Try and hold out until you are at least 28 and know what you want in life, along with experiencing enough to mature as a respectable gay man. If your lives grow in the same direction make a move. If you feel close enough to know almost everything about him, the good and the bad, and can stomach silences without feeling awkward, and just love the bastard, then make the leap. However, always make sure you know what you want, and that it is rational. The last thing you want is a messy divorce which hurts you in the long run. Marriages may be an institution, but in my eyes it is a testament of your everlasting commitment to your man, through good or bad times. Make sure your heart and head are in agreement when proposing. Too much in either direction will end up in an unsuited, tense marriage or a traumatic divorce and arguments over who keeps the dog. DEAL BREAKER.
So there you have it folks, there are always a number of deal breakers in relationships, but I feel that if you are able to get past these hurdles – then you are on the right track to having a healthy relationship. Just don’t fuck it up.
