As Coach Carr famously once said “if you touch each other, you will get chlamydia… and die.” He was a very wise and brave man. After all, how many people can say they were in the same room as Lindsay Lohan and didn’t get sucked into her depraved world of debauchery and drugs? Thankfully Bruce The Excitable Monster along with the folk at Bondara and Woohoo have a few ideas on how you can enjoy the sins of the flesh without ever leaving the home or communicating with another human being. Friends! This is called THE FUTURE. This is the Tenga Egg.
Bruce went into the wild and hunted out the latest pleasure givers, presenting them like a cat who wants to show you the particularly juicy frog guts it has spent the last hour dining on. The Tenga Egg (sadly not layed by Bruce or the warrior race from Power Rangers: The Movie) and some organic Woohoo! water based lube were this month’s haul.
The Tenga Egg is basically a Kinder Surprise for those that are cut in the Jewish mould. Once you peel off the packaging and crack this beauty open (as modelled by Bruce)
You are presented with:
A packet of willy wetter and a soft plastic… well… did you ever see the episode of Friends where Monica has to make a new foreskin for Joey? This would be an ideal solution. The bit you’re about to put on your peen looks and feels like one of those men you would buy in a museum, throw against walls and watch climb down leaving a greasy streak in its wake whilst your teachers yells ‘DAVID stop throwing men against the wall!’ Then you giggle because it sounded really gay and you’d just learned what gay meant so everything about it was funny.
However, rather than throwing this lump of plastic, the inside is hollow and perfect for poking. The ‘pleasure cave’ is ribbed, textured and bobbled for your delight, just make sure you grease up first otherwise it will cause you pain. Lots of pain.
We filled our ‘pleasure cave’ with the Woohoo lube because we have busy lives and why review one thing when you can do two at once? BOOM. When inserting your turgid member into the cave it will fart, you will laugh, it will be the unsexiest thing you have ever done. Work through this moment because the outcome is worth it. Once in place get a good grip on the plastic and you should know what to do from here (if not, you may want to visit here). The cave stretches to fit any size, so you trojans out there have nothing to worry about. Long hard strokes make all those stalagmites and stalactites* in the cave massage and caress your meaty sausage in ways that are truly magical. We can promise you a truly wonderful time with the Tenga Egg. As for the Woohoo, it’s organic goo and full of goodness that makes all the bits you slather it with feel soft and beautiful for days afterwards.
BUT! For £8.99 the egg is a limited use product, making your one handed lover moments rather pricey. The people at Tenga (whoever they may be) recommend only one pleasure moment per egg, but we found with a bit of warm water to wash it out and gentle use it was good for a few goes. As for the Woohoo, it’s pretty good at making things slippy for an amount of time, however it seemed to dry quicker than your gay bar freebie sachet. After rigorous testing in a variety of situations we discovered you could ‘re-energise’ the slick liquid with any available fluids so it’s not all bad, just don’t use it on occasions you might want to use pig grease.
If you are up for making your weener feel something new without trying something extreme, then the Tenga Egg is the thing for you. If you’re concerned about what you put on your skin and like to treat your warm fuzzy bits with the same respect you do the rest of your body then start using Woohoo which is available at standard outlets like Boots.
* a handy hint for remembering which is which. “When mites crawl up, they pull their tights down.”