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Despite drawing numerous parallels to the crown’s capital, the sunny Down Under city of Sydney presents a surplus of STI’s, shirtless men, and shopping that’ll delight (and fright) the wisest of old queens.
This here guide isn’t a Do’s & Don’ts list that’ll get you reminiscing about your nag-filled upbringing; it’s a simple collection of items that are absolutely vital to survive on the harbour city’s turf without breaking a nail and/or kicking off the early stages of an international drag war.
As many spirits as you can squeeze into your [insert luxury fashion brand here] suitcase
If you haven’t noticed, Australians like to drink. And Sydneysiders live in one of the world’s most expensive cities. So rejoice all cheapskates in your ability to shop cheaply at duty free stores before setting foot on sunburnt soil. In fact, it might be worth investing in a second suitcase to lug around your alcohol. Trust me, you’ll save yourself a fortune.
Sunscreen
Nobody likes a tomato down on Oxford St. Unless juicy and accompanied by aforementioned vodka.
Britney Spears’ Greatest Hits
This album sums up the lives of the Sydney generation. Lady Gaga could die in a hole for all we care. The legendary Ms Britney Spears is the one and only queen of pop music (we don’t mention anything about Madge outside of the Stonewall Hotel).
Tweezers
Because this is unattractive.
Clean underwear
Just in case you shit yourself at the sight of the Bondi babes.
DO NOT BRING:
Now, unless you enjoy being awkwardly arrested, held in custody, strip-searched, and/or anally probed by a customs officer, us Sydney folk humbly insist you keep any foreign fruits, vegetables, and illicit substances at home upon your glorious return.
Marmite. It’s called Vegemite down ‘ere, mate.
Please don’t arrive with an arrogant attitude problem. You don’t want to be punched in the face on the first day for insisting that your Aussie brothers and sisters “throw another shrimp on the barbie.”
We also highly encourage you to keep any non-native species of flora and fauna in your backyard. England fucked up on that part once before, and it hasn’t turned out so well for many adorable native species.
Look at this cute little bilby. Its numbers are dwindling thanks to idiotic explorers.
LOOK AT THEM.
Finally, do NOT by any means ask ignorant questions such as, “Where are the kangaroos?” when you’re in the middle of the CBD. You mightn’t think I’d be able to hear you, but I will. And I’m more than happy to beat you up myself, even if it takes me an entire day to hunt you down.
