A Guide to Surviving Homosexual Sydney

Ryan Auberson-Walsh

Ryan Auberson-Walsh is a sassy Sydneysider who enjoys cocktails and writing from opinion. A student at the University of Technology, Sydney, he was the 2013 editor-in-chief of annual Querelle, and has previously interned at SameSame.com.au and Australian Traveller. His work has also been published in Cream and Vertigo.
@ryanaubiee on Twitter & Instagram.

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Despite drawing numerous parallels to the crown’s capital, the sunny Down Under city of Sydney presents a surplus of STI’s, shirtless men, and shopping that’ll delight (and fright) the wisest of old queens.

This here guide isn’t a Do’s & Don’ts list that’ll get you reminiscing about your nag-filled upbringing; it’s a simple collection of items that are absolutely vital to survive on the harbour city’s turf without breaking a nail and/or kicking off the early stages of an international drag war.

gay sydney

As many spirits as you can squeeze into your [insert luxury fashion brand here] suitcase

If you haven’t noticed, Australians like to drink. And Sydneysiders live in one of the world’s most expensive cities. So rejoice all cheapskates in your ability to shop cheaply at duty free stores before setting foot on sunburnt soil. In fact, it might be worth investing in a second suitcase to lug around your alcohol. Trust me, you’ll save yourself a fortune.

vodka gif

Sunscreen

Nobody likes a tomato down on Oxford St. Unless juicy and accompanied by aforementioned vodka.

sunscreen

Britney Spears’ Greatest Hits

This album sums up the lives of the Sydney generation. Lady Gaga could die in a hole for all we care. The legendary Ms Britney Spears is the one and only queen of pop music (we don’t mention anything about Madge outside of the Stonewall Hotel).

Tweezers

Because this is unattractive.

monobrow

Clean underwear

Just in case you shit yourself at the sight of the Bondi babes.

bondi drag babes

DO NOT BRING:

Now, unless you enjoy being awkwardly arrested, held in custody, strip-searched, and/or anally probed by a customs officer, us Sydney folk humbly insist you keep any foreign fruits, vegetables, and illicit substances at home upon your glorious return.

Marmite. It’s called Vegemite down ‘ere, mate.

Please don’t arrive with an arrogant attitude problem. You don’t want to be punched in the face on the first day for insisting that your Aussie brothers and sisters “throw another shrimp on the barbie.”

We also highly encourage you to keep any non-native species of flora and fauna in your backyard. England fucked up on that part once before, and it hasn’t turned out so well for many adorable native species.

Look at this cute little bilby. Its numbers are dwindling thanks to idiotic explorers.

bilby

LOOK AT THEM.

Finally, do NOT by any means ask ignorant questions such as, “Where are the kangaroos?” when you’re in the middle of the CBD. You mightn’t think I’d be able to hear you, but I will. And I’m more than happy to beat you up myself, even if it takes me an entire day to hunt you down.

bondi hunt you down

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