Straight Guys Don’t Kiss

Marten Weber

Oh yeah? But they do pretty much everything else. Male sexuality is chaotic, irritating, and full of vestigial warrior ethos and beautiful contradictions.

Just back from the mountains we stopped in Vienna for Christmas (wonderful mulled wine and enormous sausages!) And what did we do? We met a straight boy. No I am not kidding you. Husband dearest mine went on Grindr and twenty minutes later had a date with a 26yo straight hunk. Brown hair, trimmed beard, smooth muscles, a hint of abs, a nice bum, his own restoration business… and a girlfriend. His fetish: getting blown by guys.

Now where does that fit in, Dr. Freud? Since we are in Vienna, I will ask you! I have no clue. It was not easy convincing straight dude to talk to me once his urges had been satisfied.

He doesn’t kiss. He doesn’t hug. The whole idea of romantic intimacy with a man appalls him. But he likes to stick his medium-sized todger into men’s mouths. “Zere is clearly a fixation somewhere, I zink, yah, Dr. Freud.”

I don’t know. I’ve long ago given up over-interpreting men’s sexuality. Just like I get excited by the idea of sleeping with straight couples, our Vienna boy thinks men’s mouths are hot. LOL Maybe ‘think’ is too strong a word. He was permanently hard throughout though. Nice show, dude. So—is he really gay, and in the closet? You see my problem with all these labels?

Sometimes I think that men like this exist because homosexuality is still a stigma. Because we are drilled to believe in masculinity and maleness and a testosterone society. If we’d all accepted our queer side from childhood on, this nonsense would die out. Or would it?

And then again, I think sexuality is a wonderworld of emotions and hormones. Why does this guy necessarily have a repressed gay side, an active-oral fixation, or a need to humiliate other men sexually (because that’s partly what makes him do it, as he admits). Why read an inferiority complex into it, or call him a closet queer?

Jean Genet had a thing for straight blokes, and for many gays, the straight male is a fetish. There are porn sites specializing in showing the ‘whole, hale, horny, normal’ male—because we as gays are ‘incomplete, sick, and abnormal.’ Is that the origin of the fetish? Or is it simply the unattainable? Corrupting the incorruptible?

We have indeed a long way to go before male sexuality becomes liberated from its age-old burden of warrior/victor roles. Dominating the partner is a recurrent theme from Ancient Greece to modern porn. The exaggerated aspects of outward masculinity (beards, muscles) are symbols of an obsession with strength vs. weakness. Lovey-dovey sex is good in a relationship, but not really a turn-on for most.

I’ve decided to take them as they come, so to speak, and accept them with all their quirks and erections intact. Straight boy spoke lovingly about his girlfriend, about the sex they had, about her wanting to get pregnant and he looking forward to being a father one day. All admirable qualities. “So will you give up the search for deep throats when the baby arrives?”

“God no. The thing is: when a woman, or say, my girlfriend is slutty and goes down on me… I feel guilty. You are supposed to respect women these days. But with a guy, you can do what you want, you can slap him and gag him and… you know. It’s a dude. We are equal. There’s no need to be nice, and no shame.”

“Ah, zere it is, my young friend, you zee? Ze cultural masculinity has removed ze man’s ability to dominate womens. Zerefore, he is turning to men… he craves to humiliate, but society has told him not to do it to women. Very, very interesting.”

Oh shut up Dr. Freud and let the man enjoy his blowjob!


Marten Weber is the creator of Benedetto Casanova, the biography of Casanova’s gay brother:

About Marten Weber

Marten Weber is of mixed parentage (a man and a woman) and has lived in more countries than he can count on hands and feet together. He speaks several languages, and believes in multiculturalism, tolerance, and free champagne in economy class. He is the author of the best-selling 'biography' of Casanova's gay brother Benedetto, dealing with the lives, the lust, and the adventures of men.