Popstars think they’re so special. ‘Oh look at us, we can be fired, killed and melted down for spare parts but with enough patience and souls we can come back, COME BACK AND REIGN SUPREME.’
However, this month one brave little television series has crossed the peaks and valleys of nostalgia and snatched a swig of revitalisation juice ahead of Samantha Mumba (seriously, Mumba on Broadway, did anyone see that coming? If there’s a God it will be Annie with Mumba as the title role). Of course we are talking about Arrested Development which will be returning to our screens in the form of a Netflix mini series, hooray!
Obviously we all love nostalgia. New things are just that little bit too scary, but coming back as a series, or a Kickstarter fuelled Veronica Mars movie is a little dull. Show some imagination! As we are helpful souls at Vada, here is a rundown of series which must, nay, need to come back and how they should do it.
First of all it needs to come back to solve the mystery of the acronym, it’s been almost 19 years (excuse me whilst I go and throw up for a bit). The people need answers. F.R.I.E.N.D.S was designed as the perfect sitcom, a group of people sitting on sofas just like you in your living room, doing things just like you, such as, er, looking after monkeys and being an absolute bastard to anyone who tries to enter your social circle. Where could F.R.I.E.N.D.S. possibly go next?
By acting the show in your own bloody living room, that’s how! It’s not like the cast are busy. 20 minute show in a couple of people’s houses, an extra 10 minutes for a cup of coffee and the job’s a goodun. Rumour has it James Michael Tyler, bless his peroxide soul, has been writing new scripts from a crack den in Harlem using the blood of Mrs. Whiskerson. Perfect.
Two words for you, Punch and Judy. Tah-dah. Granted any tv series, pop video, exam etc. can be drastically improved by domestic abuse puppetry, but the surreal world of Farscape seems exceptionally suited. Imagine a gentle stroll along the beach being interrupted by the high pitched squeal of Aeryn Sun ‘that’s the way to do it!’ as she hits Crichton over the head with Scarran entrails. A man dressed as D’Argo hands you a pill, don’t question, just accept. You swallow and let the hallucinogenic joy take over.
Never before has a series been the perfect fit to relaunch as an action figure range. Who hasn’t been kept awake at night with thoughts of a smooth crotched Sandy Cohen sensually lifting the top of Ryan? His hard plastic six pack pearlescent with sun cream (included,) tight moulded muscles glistening in the lamp light. Sandy leaning in, tickling Ryan’s neck with hair that actually smells like the sea. ‘Your eyes are my eternity pool Ryan.’ The lights go down and gentle moans are heard.
Each action figure comes with an extra bonus accessory, allowing you to kill Marissa in increasingly satisfying ways.
Sex and the City
Drunken inner city violence at the weekend is a blight across Britain. This could easily be solved by having Sarah, Kim, Cynthia and Kristin walk the streets in what would have been on most other humans ‘sexy lingerie’, but with no make-up. This haggard coven will surely make all and sundry look upon their lives and skulk home to make some very important life changes.
Clarissa Explains It All
Melisa Joan Hart spends the rest of her life reading Wikipedia aloud. It doesn’t really matter where or when, just as long as she never stops.
But yes. Arrested Development. Hooray!