Tonight will see the final episode of the current ‘series’ of Doctor Who. We’re playing fast and loose with the word series here, as it’s been months of edging, waiting for series producer Moffatt to finally spaff out a teaspoon-full of episodes. The Doctor is set to reveal his deepest secret – his extra special ‘untempered schism’ tuck technique when dressing as fabulous Gilly Fray down at Legs Eleven on a Friday night. This is the perfect time to reflect on how much The Doctor and Clara have fucked up the lives of every single person they have come across.
The Bells of Saint John
The Doctor donned his fake moustache and glasses and took to stalking modern day Clara, from the day she was born, until he felt she was ripe for the picking. Then there was something about the wifi making people really anti-social during social situations and leading to a drastic increase in domestic abuse cases as partners insisted on taking mobile phones to bed with them, keeping their other half awake at night when they know, THEY KNOW, they have an early start in the morning leading to very heavy and brutal beatings. Or possibly the wifi was uploading people’s consciousness into some super computer or something, whatever, it was ages ago.
Anyway the end result is The Doctor and Clara put people’s thoughts back into the heads of folk that everyone else strongly believed were dead. Lovely. That is until you realise that some of those that are now live and kicking are doing so in their coffin.
The Rings of Akhaten
Doctor and Clara toddle off to the giant space market in the sky where we learn that little girls should never be allowed to sing and Clara will collect and sacrifice any old shit if it means she gets a second in the limelight. The big bad of the episode is the sun, sole provider of light and heat to the people of Akhaten. Without a second thought The Doctor destroys it on his way – millions died.
On a submarine in 1983 we find the world’s first ever Alien convention. Honestly, we fell asleep during this episode so let’s just assume that somehow whatever they did led to the Turkish part of Cyprus declaring independence and we all know how well that went.
What starts as a rather good homage to Woman in Black takes a right turn into pocket universe, with a misunderstood monster demon in love. They eventually save the life of a time traveller who was so God awful at her job that The Doctor and Clara leave her stranded in the 70s, letting the horny monster make rampant love on some desolate hole, Rotherham.
Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS
The TARDIS crash lands and finds itself full of green screens and racial stereotypes. The damage done by The Doctor et al. this time has less to do with the people in the story and more the people watching it. Slow claps to everyone for raising expectations and then pissing in them from an even higher height.
The Crimson Horror
What a bloody good jaunt through Victorian times this was, and next to no Matt Smith. Hooray! However, they did follow the morally ambiguous path of pushing an old lady with a demon in her tit down a flight of stairs.
Nightmare in Silver
The Cybermen are back and they are all sleek and sexy. Neil Gaimann is also back, but slightly less sleek and sexy. With the power of a magical teleporter and lack of caring about any other inhabitants of a theme park style planet, The Doctor just blows the planet up to save the day. He blows up an entire planet. A planet that was in the CGI sky is no longer there because of a choice he made. Gone. Never to be seen again. What a bastard.