- Eurovision 2014: The Good, The Bad and The Bonkers - 16 May, 2014
- Alexander McQueen – Savage Beauty - 7 May, 2014
- The Burberry Renaissance - 2 May, 2014
Can you work your Oscar De la Renta or are you more Oxfam? Are you more Saint Laurent or Salvation Army? Do you know your Lacroix from your Lacoste? Take this quiz and find out whether you could cut it in the glamorous world of P.R. or whether you’d be better sticking to Charity work, pens at the ready darling.
1) You’ve been invited to a glamorous A-List party, all the stars will be there. What is your outfit of choice?
a) Something comfortable and sensible. Preferably beige or khaki and machine washable – you know what certain people can be like when they drink too much and if you’re on the receiving end of any nasty spills you don’t want it to be the end of the world.
b) Something utterly outrageous. Bright, patterned and flared. If people can look at it without needing sunglasses then you haven’t tried hard enough.
c) Something elegant, structured but most likely with a couple of questionable stains on it. Hey, dry-cleaning is effort and if you’ve spent all this money on a facelift, no one should be looking at your outfit!
d) I’ll just throw on something I stole from Oxfam, and then re-donate it, of course.
2) You fancy letting your hair down at this party. What will be your tipple of choice?
a) I don’t drink. Tea is fine for me. (But when no one is looking, I’ll slip in a bit of cider.)
b) FETCH THE BOLLY, DARLING! MAMA’S GOING TO PARTY!
c) Get me a stiff one… A whisky that is.
d) Cheese on toast, dear.
3) Who or what is Benedict Chofferman?
a) I honestly have no idea. Have you just made that up?
b) Of course I’ve heard of him *nervous laugh*. Who hasn’t? I simply… err… adore his pieces.
c) I’ve probably been underneath him, was he is Monte Carlo in ’74?
d) I think that’s the name of a ladle isn’t it?
4) You’ve had a stressful day at work, how do you relax?
a) I don’t consider my charity work stressful, but if I want to escape for a few hours I’ll pick up a good book or journal article, perhaps.
b) SPA, DARLING. NAILS, DARLING. FACE, DARLING. I deserve some pampering, after all.
c) Fetch me the Harper’s and Tatler.
d) I think I’ll get my knitting and make a tea cosy, unless I spot some nice cutlery that I can swipe from John Lewis.
5) What is your greatest achievement to date?
a) All my relief work. I always try to think of others, so making people happy every day is the best thing I could ever do.
b) My contacts, darling. I know everyone: Bunton, Lulu, Durand… I could get to Queen Liz if I wanted to.
c) Keeping my age a secret for all these years. For all anyone knows, I’m still 39. Either that or staying alive through the pills, the booze and the sex.
d) My impressive collection of mugs, forks and knives. My house is full of this stuff and I’ve never been caught yet.
6) How would your friends describe you?
a) Mature, focused, considerate but sometimes a bore.
b) Fabulous, extravagant and the life of the party!
c) Supremely glamorous and elegant on the outside – but a total rock chick inside.
d) Cosy, sweet, but with a mean streak.
7) Pick a foreign phrase
a) “Daima kuwasaidia wengine.”
b) “Très gras.”
c) “I’d like to sign on for jobseeker’s allowance, please.”
d) “Does Geordie count as a foreign language?”
8) Someone over Twitter says that the skirt you were wearing the other day looks like your jeans have exploded. What is your reaction?
a) Ignore them, they are being petty and you want to be the bigger person.
b) Quick! Fetch the iPad and tweet back a scathing retort. No one makes a fool out of you and gets away with it!
c) Call in an old favour and send someone to make the bastard “disappear”.
d) What’s a Twitter?
9) Pick a song
a) Anything by Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
b) ‘Shout’ by Lulu.
c) ‘Promiscuous’ by Nelly Furtado.
d) ‘Please Don’t Tease’ by Cliff Richard
10) Finally, the crucial question. Who is your favourite designer?
a) North Face
b) LACROIX, SWEETIE! IT’S LACROIX
c) Chanel for lunch, darling.
d) The Edinburgh Woollen Mill has some lovely cardigans at the moment.
Oh honey, I’m afraid you’re a Saffy. Admittedly, you have your head screwed on tighter than your purse strings, and you can certainly take care of yourself in even the most extreme circumstances (like going to prison) without the need for any “fiddly-diddly”, but let’s call a spade a spade. You are dull honey. You’re idea of a good night is reading War and Peace at home and learning to play the bongo drums. You’re so scared of actually enjoying yourself that you’ve aged way beyond your years and have become excessively bitter and cynical about life.
SWEETIE, DARLING! You are totally an Eddie. Fetch the Bolly and celebrate! You are utterly fabulous, willing to try anything once and have some of the most highly fashionable gear around. OK, so you may not be the most responsible person, ever so slightly narcissistic and completely inept at even the most basic tasks, but your enthusiasm and innate glamour will carry you through life no problem. You love being the centre of the party and living the good life, despite being rather obnoxious some (all right, all) of the time.
Top dog! You are Patsy. You’re mysterious, fearsome and hardcore (just like the movies you made in your youth) and you don’t take shit from anyone. Your actual age is more of a mystery than Joey Essex’s real skin tone, but you’re sure you can’t be older than 39 – you certainly can’t look it after all the surgery. You love a structured Chanel jacket and actually get it right more often than you are given credit for, but that doesn’t concern you. If anyone dares to question you, you have the connections to get them shot.
Oh hello, dear – you seem to be Eddie’s mother. On the outside, you have the persona of a sweet old lady, but when people get to know you they might find out you have a criminal streak. Tell your friends to nail down their furniture and hide their crockery, because you love a cheap thrill now and again. You find close personal relationships slightly awkward at times and prefer not to be left alone with your offspring, preferring instead to see your grandchildren. You have to be careful, though, in your old age you’re not above mistaking drag queens for Patsy.